Finally got a good one today and since its Friday I'll share it and we can all look forward to the weekend with a grin...
I could have written this myself...
Letter to the Cat and Dog
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs
and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
have been using the bathroom for years-canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
"fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all
fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are
better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for
college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
children.
ROFL... Laura could have written this..
Posted by: debby | 02/27/2005 at 07:58 AM
I am afraid of dogs, I have to admit, after being chased by a very scary dog when i was little walking on my way to the local pool (The owner, I know, was the problem, but the dog is the one who bit me.).
But! I also like cats a whole bunch. I can't let them be in my bedroom, because I'm allergic, but I don't understand the problem with fur. People shed their hair all the time. Especially people with thick hair. So what's the difference?
Posted by: alektra | 02/25/2005 at 06:28 PM
you totally carack me up!!
"if they get pregnant, you can sell the children" - oh! i laughed so hard!!!
Posted by: Erin | 02/25/2005 at 05:34 PM
I could have written that myself!!! My dogs totally rule my house! And I always get mad when people complain about them, because they are NOT bad dogs, they are just dogs and they can't help it if they shed.
Posted by: Bellabelly | 02/25/2005 at 05:00 PM
Hee. So true on many counts.
Posted by: Oliquig | 02/25/2005 at 03:02 PM
Yes my cat Tink think she own my man, and my half of the bed.
I'm sure calling her Princess Tink doesn't help.
Posted by: Michele | 02/25/2005 at 02:34 PM